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[Editorial published 3/5/08]
Hi Everybody,
I'm sure you've heard pastors or self-help people suggest "writing your own obituary" and then deciding how to live your life. As dedicated parents, let's put a different spin on that idea. I personally don't care about the list of superficial achievements that might be part of an obituary. I think it's more important to imagine looking back retrospectively about what kind of role model we've been for our children. This week's editorial topic is Being a Role Model: what do children learn from our behavior?
I grew up with a strong foundation in honesty, integrity, prudent behavior, charity, and playing by the rules. Those values only scratch the surface of parental behaviors that children observe and emulate. Here are others that my husband and I are trying to demonstrate in our home:
1. Encouragement thru immediate acknowledgement. Our reactions hugely influence our children's choices whether to approach us. Never be too busy to acknowledge an accomplishment/drawing/Lego with praise or a question. If we parents delay or dismiss a child who desires to share with us, they will soon stop sharing with us.
2. Living joyfully. It's easy to be overrun by obligations. That certainly isn't the way I want my children to face life. I need to embrace my husband's knack for efficiently tackling obligations and finding time for joys and passions.
3. Respect, love and responsibility. Many families treat each other with less respect than they would a stranger. We take each other for granted. Combine this with any tendency to blame others when something goes wrong, and you've got a recipe for dysfunction. I think it's fine for family members to argue, but an underlying love and respect must be ever present.
4. Regarding others compassionately. In my Ten-Commandments-style upbringing, this point wasn't on the list. It's been a long journey for me to realize the impact of my attitude and words on other people. More important than what is said during an exchange, is the residual impact on both parties. A rule of thumb from Deepak Chopra is to try to leave each person you encounter with something positive to take away.
5. Avoiding anger. When my buttons are pushed or I'm feeling stressed, do I respond with anger/frustration, humor or calm? It's always my choice. If I lean more toward anger you can bet my kids will not only opt for anger more frequently in their own responses, but they will also ignore my usual level of frustration and therefore inspire me to crank-it-up further. Yikes!
6. Perseverance. As mentioned in a recent editorial, we're concerned about our son's oscillating levels of perseverance. But his behavior and words are modeled after our own. I am often occupied by a pressing matter (like changing my daughter's poopy diaper) and approached by my son to assist in some task across the room or upstairs. Frequently, I'll say "I can't do that right now, give me a minute". By changing my wording to "I can be there in a minute." I may be able to decrease his propensity for saying, "I can't".
7. Focus and order. Raising 2 kids and trying to manage this online business, I often hop from one task to the next. I'll give the kids breakfast and go do a chore or work online. I move in bursts of a few minutes and very rarely is a task completed (such as putting away all the clutter on the kitchen table.) Along the way I am setting a terrible example by being unfocused and permitting disorder. This is not something I want the kids to learn and hopefully by typing it publicly I can push myself to change.
8. Not measuring. Measuring is being aware what you've done for others and building an expectation for something in return. For the past few years I've aimed to avoid this angst-ridden behavior and can attest to increased happiness.
Our attitudes and behaviors greatly influence our children's perception of the world. I personally have a lot of improvements to make before I regard myself as a good role model. If these issues have been on your mind, please share your suggestions.
I hope your week is filled with laughter,
Jill
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Last Updated ( Wednesday, 16 July 2008 )
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