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Turning Points of Motherhood |
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I love my kids and I love being a mom, but it wasn't an easy shift from being a free-wheeling 31-year-old to a mother. I recall when my eldest was a week old and more than a dozen family members came to visit...
[Editorial published 6/5/08]
Hi Everybody,
This week I'm pleased to introduce a new columnist on GreatIdeasForKids.com. Gretchen Reid has been in the coaching field for more than 16 years. She is focused on helping moms build the life they want through workshops, group and one-on-one coaching. Her new Motherhood Transitions column is launching this week with an article examining Three Phases of Mother Development. Likewise, for this week's editorial, I recount major turning points in my life as a mother:
I love my kids and I love being a mom, but it wasn't an easy shift from being a free-wheeling 31-year-old to a mother. I recall when my eldest was a week old and more than a dozen family members came to visit. We all went to Mimi's for a special dinner. As we arrived at the long table, the "decision makers" were choosing a corner for me to be next to the sling for the baby carrier. During dinner I fed and changed the baby, while everyone else had a normal time. When they were done, they cared for the baby and I ate. From my current perspective it seems silly to be bothered by this, but at the time it was like a splash of cold water.
A couple months later I was invited to a get together by a former hockey teammate. She was in her late thirties without kids and the party would be at her mother's house in Boulder (instead of her small Longmont apartment). I adored her as a friend and brought the baby at her insistence. The party was very fun for all the singles there. For me, the first challenge was negotiating the cigarette smokers in the yard, then I tried to dodge the blaring music that filled the inside of the house. I tried to chat with people and have a normal time but it wasn't going well. I recall the frustration of changing the baby while avoiding the loud music, and had some respite when my friend's mom came over to help. Shortly thereafter, I gave up -- I said a round of goodbyes with a smile on my face and left the party. As soon as I reached my car I started crying. I probably sat there for 10 minutes sobbing. Tears flow every time I just think about that afternoon. I was never a party girl and barely made it to 5 events a year, but it was like being skewered with a sword when I concluded my freedom was gone.
Fortunately, my husband worked from home and kept a night owl schedule until our eldest was three years old. I wasn't tired or lonely like many new moms. Furthermore, if I couldn't figure out why the baby was fussing, he was around to help. Due to all of his support, I was indeed the luckiest new mom in town.
Another major transition occurred last summer when I decided to launch this business. My husband was able to watch the kids for 3 days straight. I got back in the groove, hooked to my computer, like my old life when I had worked endless hours for large technical companies. When my kids clamored for my attention, I just sent them to Daddy. By the end of the stretch, it was plain to see that running a web site about great ideas for kids, was not a great idea for my own kids. So I made a decision to try to limit my web work to nighttime. My perspective changed during the day -- I devoted myself to my kids more than ever before. I'm still a mom all day, every day (with a break for a few hours on Date Night). But the difference is my perspective. Since making the choice to be a devoted mom, the "all day, every day" doesn't drag any more, and I relish being a parent much more. Changing my perspective was like being "born again" into motherhood, and it's wonderful.
For the past few weeks a new era has begun to unfold. I'm doing a good job tending to the needs of my kids, keeping the whining in check, using polite words, helping them deal with social challenges, and being a usually happy mom. We enjoy lots of time together and I connect with the kids more each day. My realization is that being a dedicated parent isn't just about serving their needs and being a friend; I have to be a role model worthy of their respect. Although I keep in mind the points I made in my editorial Being a Role Model (3/5/08), this summer I need to make point #7 -- Focus and Order -- my top priority. Being organized both at home and mentally is an important character trait that will make my kids' lives happier all around. I've made some strides since March but not enough. While my husband is pretty orderly, I am the primary caregiver. The kids have been picking up some of my bad habits and the chaos in our home has increased. I've got to turn this around sooner than later. Changing my ways won't be easy but I'm motivated to set the kids on a good path. May I be a better role model today than yesterday.
I hope your week is filled with laughter,
Jill
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Last Updated ( Sunday, 12 October 2008 )
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