On Being a Normal Mother: the Moods of the Modern Mom |
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[Guest Editorial published 10/23/08]
Moms, how often have you said, "This isn't as fun as I thought it would be?" or "I'm not cut out for this motherhood thing?" or "I feel so overwhelmed?" You are not alone. While statistics show that 10% - 20% of new moms will develop postpartum depression, the truth is, most new mothers experience some increase in negative mood states and mood swings during and after pregnancy. The focus on post-partum depression and other pregnancy-related clinical issues has alienated the experience of most women in the childbearing/rearing years.  Mood issues in response to pregnancy and childbirth is normal but can be difficult and can lead to lowered satisfaction with this new and exciting stage of life. If not addressed appropriately, it can last well into the parenting years and have long-term adverse effects on the whole family system.
Modern mothers often come into the experience of motherhood with high expectations, of themselves and their children. Women dream of a break from the rigors of the work world imagining peace and joy at home with their cooing, bright-eyed baby. This dream becomes reality… partly. The other 50% (!?) of the picture was perhaps unimaginable — irritable, frustrated, exhausted and, worse yet, bored! Most mothers experience wonderful feelings of satisfaction and joy with their new role — but these good feelings are often transient, ready to change at any moment. This moodiness can be frustrating; it is difficult to be under the sway of unpredictable and uncontrollable negative emotions that affect the whole family system. Normal motherhood, really, is a variety of psychological experiences — unfailingly unpredictable and seemingly uncontrollable experiences and reactions punctuating the day.
Most of the literature suggests depression as the standard symptom of women struggling with pregnancy-related mood issues. Most women erroneously think that "depression" mean sadness, blues and lethargy. Because of the external demands of young children, mothers do not have the luxury to indulge in lack of motivation, fatigue, and the blahs.  Instead, moms have to function and perform the activities of caring for their children, even when they feel they want to do the very opposite. The moods that often arise, then, are irritability, anger, short-temperedness, overwhelm and negativity. Many women experience an increased anxiety during the post-partum stage and, sometimes during pregnancy itself.
The range of symptoms is wide — mild blues, fatigue, lethargy, irritability, anger, restlessness, general anxiety, panic attacks, change in appetite, loss of interest and motivation, dampened affect (the blahs), unexplained sadness and tears, weight changes, overwhelm at even simple tasks, lowered self-esteem, obsessive and intrusive thoughts, compulsions, lowered sex drive, or any combination of the above. It can also include depression or anxiety triggered by nursing.
Most importantly, the severity of the symptoms is variable. Many women experience some mild combination of the above symptom that may not appropriately be categorized as a psychological disorder. Most of the mothers that I have interviewed admit to experiencing emotional and mood symptoms precipitated by pregnancy and childbirth. Yet most of the women describe the moodiness as mild to moderate and would not categorize their symptoms as postpartum depression. Women and doctors often overlook these symptoms, women blame themselves (making the symptoms worse), and their discomfort is dismissed. Whether mild, moderate or severe many women suffer their moodiness in silence, judging themselves negatively and leaving their easily-treatable symptoms untreated.
Body Chemistry
The hormone changes of normal pregnancy put stress on a woman's body. Estrogen and progesterone levels rise continuously over the 40 weeks of pregnancy. Progesterone can reach levels up to 10 times higher and estrogen up to 30 times higher than at the peak levels of our menstrual cycle. Cortisol (the "stress hormone") levels triple by the end of pregnancy. Then, 2-3 days after delivery, the levels of these hormones drop to almost pre-pregnancy levels. Cortisol, progesterone and estrogen — to name a few of the biochemicals involved in pregnancy — are linked to neurotransmitter synthesis and nerve function. Neurotransmitters are biological components necessary for our body and brain to function. Some neurochemicals, serotonin being the most famous one of late, are chemicals involved in regulating mood in our brains. They are interconnected with and highly sensitive to hormone levels. If that weren't enough, the limbic part of our brain (our "emotional brain") has the highest density of nerve receptors for estrogen. Hormones and nerve function are highly interrelated and, as many women know, hormones affect mood.
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The Truth about Pregnancy and Moods
So what is "right" or "normal"? What is being a mom "supposed" to feel like or look like? We all have moods, good ones and bad ones. Plus, at one time or another, we are all bad moms. This is normal. Genetics, biochemistry, life history and especially stress history, affect our mood and how we react to our world. Pregnancy, birth and nursing are stressful to a woman's body. (See Box at Right.) While this is "good stress", not arising from adversity, it is stress none the less.
In addition, a woman's body can become sleep deprived and nutritionally deficient due to pregnancy and nursing. The demands of eating for two during pregnancy increases after delivery and during nursing. The baby is almost literally a parasite when it comes to nutrition, the baby takes what it needs and mom gets the leftovers. Nutritional deficiency adds to the stress and biochemical imbalances that often lead to moodiness. Sleep deprivation can and often does lead to moodiness as well. Our bodies use the 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep to replenish the biochemicals that we used during the day. When we are sleep deprived, we can become biochemically imbalanced.
Our attitude about our feelings is also vital to our health and wellbeing. How we feel and then respond to our feelings with thoughts and behaviors are related to our own personal childhood development and experiences. For example, a woman is bound to be overworked, needing to sacrifice many of her own needs when caring for an infant. If her experience in life led her to believe that she cannot ask for help or be needy herself, than she may find herself responding to the stress of motherhood with anger, resentment, or a perfectionist attitude. This will undoubtedly lead to relationship discord and an increase in stress and moodiness. In addition, actual emotions are often predicated upon past experiences. One mother might respond to her crying infant with ease and competence while another mother hears her own infant crying and experiences anger, fear and anxiety. The second mother is responding to her crying infant from old reactive patterns probably created during her own childhood.
So the moodiness that mothers experience during pregnancy and motherhood is expected, explainable and multifaceted. It is normal yet troubling. Although pregnancy-related moodiness is a complex manifestation of genetics, biochemistry, nutrition and psychology, it is relatively easy to ameliorate.
Responding with Empathy and Wisdom
The first step to feeling better when new motherhood has triggered an increase in negative moods and mood swings is to accept it with compassion. The information in the previous paragraphs describes the physical compromise experienced by a woman's body during and after pregnancy that can lead to mood issues. Understand that the mood symptom is your body asking for help rather than some personal deficit in the motherhood department. The word emotion comes from the Latin emovere which means "to move." Emotions are our bodies signal to take action. When we respond to a feeling or experience with stress, judging it and ourselves negatively and pushing it away, we often make it worse. This inhibits and slows down the natural rebalancing that our bodies are attempting.
Emotions are information. In order to understand them, we need to feel them. Most mood and behavior issues arise when a person is unconsciously reactive to emotions, thwarting the feeling itself and not  allowing it to process. Reacting to emotions with stress and judgement leads to ineffectual actions, perpetuating the stress and the original emotion. The best thing we can do when an emotion arises is feel it, without thoughts or judgments, before reacting to it. Feeling an emotion means allowing it to move through your body. When an emotion is triggered, just breathe, bring your attention to your body's experience, stop thinking for a few moments, and breathe some more. Emotions only last, on average, 7 seconds, if we let our body process them correctly. Emotions are just chemical reactions and our body is designed to process these chemicals and bring the body back to a state of balance. We must allow that process to occur! Then, when the intensity of the emotion subsides (which it will if allowed to) our brain can think, assess and decide on the best action to take in response to the emotion.
Approaching the emotions of motherhood with tolerance and compassion allows the body to begin to take right action, not old ineffectual patterns of action that are helpless or passive aggressive, but action that will facilitate lasting and satisfying change. Right action necessitates that we understand and interpret our body's signals correctly. We must listen to our emotions with respect, an open heart and a mind willing to change. If your emotions are encouraging you to make some changes in your life that feel difficult or "impossible", communicate your feelings and your needs to your partner and to your friends. Get feedback, ideas and support as you face your own challenges to change and grow. In the end you will find yourself happier, more satisfied and a better mother.
Analisa Macias
GreatIdeasForKids.com Featured Expert on Motherhood Moods
Analisa Macias lectures regularly to new mothers about hormones, stress and mood, consults about pregnancy related mood issues, and is available for individual or couples psychotherapy and counseling. She has a private practice in Boulder, CO and can be reached at 720-220-2092.
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Last Updated ( Wednesday, 29 October 2008 )
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